Heat wave July 2011

I sit in my car. Lunchtime and I am broiling. We are scheduled to leave early today, having started earlier but I got here regular time. Whew. Day job. I can’t cry — just sweat.

These past few days have been brutal. I am as broke as I have ever been in my life. Fact, unvarnished. My meals are creative to say the least when I cobble together something once all the “regular” food is consumed.

I have been transferring VHS cassettes to DVD-R and I am overwhelmed at how practically unbearable I was. I look at the past me and don’t know where to begin. It was what it was of course. The only reason I save them is because as bad as my memory is — I can’t throw the records away. I see lackluster shows from past bands, old girlfriends, old versions of people who are still my friends. I listen to me talk b-llsh-t, I can barely take it. I see old commecials, Liquid Television episodes.

It effects me — especially in the frame of mind I have been in for the past month and a half.

>>>>>

Rocket ahead a few days with me. It is Saturday the 29th and I am at the beach. I came late, after finally finishing the Riotgod cover artwork. That was this last week. I had to drop everything else I was involved with — everything except for my day-job.

It came out quite good considering the rushed nature of it. It was a 2 phase process. I hurriedly gathered reference into a folder, got some inspirational reading material, thought about a design first offered by Bob sent while he was in Europe with Monster Magnet.

Experiencing the first deadline via a Friday message stating a Monday deadline I made a first version that kinda looked as Chris Cap ( http://intergalactico.com ) put it “Physical Graffiti-ish.” I knew in my heart it was a fun sketch but also knew it would not be the cover after the collage sat a bit. Especially after I identified with Chris’ critique… I would salvage the good elements and get in touch with the label asking for just a bit more time. I wanted it to be as visually “fun” as possible, as cool as I could get it within a week.

>>>>>>>

Let’s jump to August. Right now.

I am in such a state… I started to purge old photos from Facebook. I am about to thin out my Facebook “friends” list. All these purges are some manner of reaction from me not only an echo of my past relationship but a compounded wall of echollection, a flood considering EVERY fkd “relationship” I have ever attempted and with all due respect considering the women involved — this is about my awareness of my lack of true compatibilty. Each relationship found me failing in some fashion….

So — yes there is a deep sadness as I sit alone here but it is not a weepy sadness I feel a kind of poisonous nothing, a sense of not hopelessness but a mixture I cannot pin down. Fatigue, confusion, anger.

I rest a bit after a dinner consisting of a grilled cheese sandwich. Some rest and then something else. Work sucked today kinda — but I tried to keep my chin up thinking about rent and trying not feel irrational — crazy if you will.

Completed some Riotgod tunes that are truly sweet.
Had lunch with my mother and sister — that was nice.

I wish I had a few friends who would call me or something… what kind of insular life have I cultivated?

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